You Never Know What Someone Is Carrying

There’s a powerful scene in Ted Lasso where Roy Kent finds himself sitting behind a microphone at a press conference.

One of his players has lost his temper. Crossed a line. Done something everyone can clearly agree was wrong.

The reporters want Roy to condemn him.

Instead, Roy tells a story.

Years earlier, when Roy was a young player, he made what he thought was a harmless joke at the expense of an older teammate. The teammate reacted violently. From Roy’s perspective, the response seemed completely irrational and wildly disproportionate.

So Roy judged him.

Everyone did.

Only later did Roy learn what he couldn’t see at the time.

The man was grieving.

Behind the anger was pain. Behind the reaction was a story nobody else knew.

And suddenly, what had seemed inexplicable made a little more sense.

Not acceptable.

Not excusable.

But understandable.

There is an enormous difference between those things.

We Only See the Moment

This lesson reaches far beyond football.

It applies to families, workplaces, friendships, and certainly pipe bands.

Someone walks into rehearsal unusually quiet.

Someone snaps over something insignificant.

Someone isn’t prepared.

Someone misses practice.

Someone doesn’t answer the message.

Someone who normally jokes around suddenly doesn’t.

Someone plays poorly.

Someone seems distracted, frustrated, impatient, distant, or simply not themselves.

And our minds are remarkably efficient at filling in the missing information.

They don’t care.

They’re not committed.

They’re being difficult.

They’re angry with me.

They’re lazy.

Maybe. Or maybe we have absolutely no idea what is happening in their life.

Everyone Brings More Than an Instrument

When we stand in a circle together, we don’t leave the rest of our lives in the parking lot.

We bring work.

Family.

Bills.

Relationships.

Exhaustion.

Fear.

Grief.

Disappointment.

Stress.

We bring victories nobody knows about and battles nobody can see.

And sometimes all of it walks through the door carrying a set of pipes or a drum.

One of the easiest mistakes a group can make is judging someone’s entire character from a single moment while knowing almost nothing about the circumstances surrounding it.

Roy’s lesson isn’t about ignoring poor behavior.

Standards still matter.

Accountability still matters.

Commitment matters.

How we treat one another matters.

But empathy matters too.

Those ideas aren’t opposites.

We can tell someone, “What happened wasn’t okay,” while also asking, “Are you okay?”

Sometimes both conversations need to happen.

Give People a Little Grace

Pipe bands are interesting places.

We spend countless hours trying to eliminate tiny imperfections.

A missed attack.

A bad cutoff.

A wandering tempo.

A crossing noise.

A missed flam.

We’re trained to notice mistakes.

Perhaps we need to become equally good at noticing people.

Not every bad night requires a lecture.

Not every strange interaction deserves a response.

Not every mistake reveals someone’s character.

Sometimes people simply need a little room.

Sometimes they need someone to notice.

Sometimes they need someone willing to listen.

And sometimes the greatest kindness we can offer is resisting the temptation to

immediately decide we know the whole story.

Look Around the Circle

The next time you’re standing at rehearsal, take a second and look around.

Every person in the circle has a life far larger than the two hours we spend together.

Someone may be having the best week of their life.

Someone else may be quietly having one of the worst.

Most of the time, we won’t know which is which.

So hold people accountable.

Expect effort.

Maintain standards.

Push one another to improve.

But leave some room for grace.

Ask questions before making assumptions.

Check on people.

Be kind when kindness costs almost nothing.

Because occasionally the person who appears to be giving you a hard time is simply someone having a hard time.

We never really know what someone else is carrying.

And maybe we don’t always need to know.

Maybe knowing they are carrying something is enough reason to lead with a little more empathy.